. Favourite Beer of the Week

This morning we went to see the friends and family screening of DreamWorks super new animated 3D glasses movie "How To Train Your Dragon" with our friends Ellen and Andrius.

The movie is all about Vikings (with curiously Scottish accents) so to stay in the Scandinavian spirit of things I am drinking a beer by Mikkeller - a small Danish brewery from Daneland.

I found it in the great big Berkeley Bowl beer aisle.

The woman stacking the shelves was raving about it to a friend, so I waited for her to bugger off and then grabbed one (beer, not friend).

It is called "Big Worst" and it is another Barleywine style ale, 17.6% abv. I am enjoying it with a sensible snack of carrot-miso-tahini dip (plus celery sticks and multigrain crackers).

Vikings were big in my home town in the 9th century.

They made York the grooviest place outside London for several decades. It's clearly where I inherited my red hair and large brutish physique.

In the early 1980's someone in York knocked down a chocolate factory and found 40,000 Viking remains under it. And there they built the Jorvic Centre - a museum of Vikings, complete with the authentic smells of toilets, dead fish, and pig shit.

The last Viking to rule York was a man called Eric Bloodaxe. He was driven out in 954 AD by this man:

which must have been quite embarrassing.

. HolyFuckingShit

. The Lanyard

It's Mothers Day in the UK. Did you forget?

I didn't. My Mothers Day gift is right here, 5 thousand miles from my mother.

Oh dear.

Well, here is a poem by Billy Collins:

The Lanyard
(click here mum)

And here are some nice little animated films of some of Billy's other poems.

. Favourite Beer of the Week

On Sunday I made a shopping list and went to the grocery store and when I got there I found that the shopping list was still in the kitchen, so I had to go up and down every aisle to try and remember what was on the list, and so eventually I found myself in the beer aisle looking at a bottle of Lagunitas GnarlyWine.

That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

GnarlyWine is a barleywine. A couple of weeks ago, my good friend Fuzzy Nuggz had some complimentary things to say about a barleywine he drank at Magnolia on Haight Street. I didn't even know barleywine was beer. I thought he had ordered a wine, which was strange. So I guess I've learned something this year. And it's only March!
Apparently barleywine is called barleywine because it is as strong as wine, but it's made from barley.

This one is 10.85% abv. It's a very pretty copper colour, and it tastes very tasty, and a bit thick in the mouth (for a liquid), and quite alcoholy, but not too much.
I would take this beer to a party if it was the kind of party where you can be sure no one else is going to steal your beer, and you can have it all for yourself, or share it with the people at the party that you genuinely like, or would genuinely like to impress with beer. Alternatively I would drink it at home on a Sunday afternoon, because let's be honest, I only go to about three parties a year, and Sunday afternoon is the time I do all my cooking for the week, and sometimes I need a little incentive.

. Book of the Month

I know it's only the 8th of March, but I finished reading this month's book, and let's face it, you're not going to read it. You didn't read Candide, and you didn't read The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, unless you are Oliver, and then you probably just fell asleep again on page 16.

So why don't I just get it over with.

This month's book, as you recall, is "The Book of Genesis Illustrated by R. Crumb"

R. Crumb is famous for his underground comix.

He has also made more "serious" books.

"The Book of Genesis Illustrated by R. Crumb" is a comic book version of the first book of the Bible. Which is a lot of stuff.

I like that God is all crazy looking with wild hair and mad staring eyes, because God was pretty crazy in the beginning.

I'm sure I would not have read the Bible if it didn't come with cool pictures, although it turns out I already knew all the basic stories in Genesis from those interminable mornings at Clifton Methodist Church Sunday School.

The Creation

Adam and Eve

Noah's Ark

Abraham and Isaac

Joseph and his Technicolour Dreamcoat

There's also a lot of sex and a lot of violence, which they tend to gloss over in Sunday School.

And then there are some surprises.

For example, after the flood, when the ark is safely parked on dry land, Noah grows a vineyard, gets blind drunk, and passes out naked in his tent. It is not clear whether he was drinking while naked, or gets drunk first and then gets naked, but however it transpires, he is unconscious on the floor with it all hanging out when his youngest son stops by. The boy sees his father's exposed manhood, and because of that, Noah turns him into a slave.

People were living for about 900 years back then. And this was Noah's youngest son. So say he was about 200 years old. That's 700 years of slavery for accidentally looking at his drunk dad's dong. Seems a bit mean to me.

Actually slavery in general seems a bit mean to me. God seems to have been okay with it.

And what is the lesson there? Do not under any circumstances ever, ever look at your pissed pop's penis, or suffer centuries of familial servitude?

And then there's Jacob's two wives, the sisters Rachel and Leah, who have a comedic baby-making competition. It's hard to keep count, but I think Leah wins 9 to 3 - although 4 of the children are born to the sisters' slaves who are also dragged into the contest.

And there are some dull bits. Characters have a habit of describing what they plan to do, describing it again as they do it, and then describing to someone else what they've just done. And there is way too much blah about who begot who and where they moved after they'd been begotten.

In the back of the book, Crumb offers possible explanations for some of the more confusing passages in Genesis (such as why men keep pretending their wives are their sisters). One proposition is that some texts in Genesis were based on older stories from a more matriarchal period of history, which were then "twisted around to fit the later patriarchal paradigm."

I'm boring you, aren't I? You've stopped reading this. You're just skimming to the end to see if there are any more pictures of tits and bums.

I understand.

Well, I enjoyed it very much. Except for the begotting.

As always, I very much look forward to hearing your opinion.

Next month we will be reading The Wapshot Chronicle by John Cheever.

Order yours today!

. Grumpy Old Bastard at the Movies

Tim Burton's Alice in Wonderland.

It's like he took Alice in Wonderland and Lord of the Rings and mashed them together into a big horrible poo, and then charged me $11 to watch him flush it down the toilet, in 3D.

. Celeriac

Last week we came into possession of a mystery vegetable.

Brief research on the internet proved it to be Celeriac (Apium graveolens rapaceum) also known as "celery root," or "knob celery."

Should you ever happen upon such a thing yourself, here is something you can do.

Slice it up.

Boil it with potatoes, then mix it with sauteed onions and artichokes.

Top it with garlic, milk-soaked bread, and parsley.

Bake it .

Eat it.

. Favourite Beer of the Week

Whenever I go grocery shopping by myself, people talk to me. I don't know why. It's not like I go around making eye contact or anything. Old ladies will stop me in frozen foods wanting to know the location of tinned soup. Teenagers will appear by my side while I'm loading up on bulk bath products and tell me their entire medical histories.

Last weekend I went to the new Whole Foods in Noe Valley. I was perusing the beer selection, wondering what to try next, when an old man about my age sauntered over and said, "They have a lot of beer here."

I said, "Yes they do."

He said, "What are you looking for?"

And suddenly I felt like Mary Ann Singleton in the melon section of the Castro Safeway at the beginning of "Tales of the City".

"Um... this." I said, picking up a small bottle of something close at hand.

And that is how I happened to try Harviestoun Brewery's "Old Engine Oil." A fine stout from Scotland.

It's very nice. You should try some. It tastes a bit like licorice. But more like beer.

Noe Valley Whole Foods also sell Dorset Cereals "Berries and Cherries." A fine muesli from England.

You should try that too.

. Phase 1

. Pressure

On Valentine's Day we did some pressure printing at Nif's college. You stick a bunch of stuff on a piece of paper and then run it through a letterpress machine. It's good for making interesting textures and backgrounds. Nif told me this repeatedly before we began. But I wanted to make a complete picture, not just a background, so that's what I did. And then when it turned out a bit crap I asked Nif why she hadn't told me just to make a background.

. Book of the Month

Did you read it?

"The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo" by late Swedish author and journalist Stieg Larsson?

You said you were going to read it. What did you think?

After the first chapter I did not like it at all. The language is boring and ugly (especially after reading Voltaire) and there is way too much guff about financial espionage that no one could possibly give a crap about.

But then the second chapter introduces an actual character (the girl with the dragon tattoo) and Nif was busy with school work, so before long I was half way through the book.

This is a crime thriller. The plot grows as thick and insidious as DreamWorks split-pea soup. But there's just enough dark humour and character development to keep you coming back for more (very much unlike the soup).

In the end it all ties up a bit too neatly, but maybe that's what detective fiction is supposed to do.

There are two more novels in the series - "The Girl Who Played With Fire," and "The Girl Who Kicked the Hornet's Nest". But shouldn't that be "Hornets' Nest" ? Surely the possessive apostrophe is in the wrong place. Or do all hornets live alone? Anyway, I enjoyed the first one, but I don't think I will read the other two.

Did you know there was a movie?

I'm waiting for the dvd to come out.

And Hollywood is going to make a version starring Brad Pitt.

Oh dear.

Next month we are reading "The Book of Genesis" Illustrated by R. Crumb. (I don't think that one ties up too neatly).

I very much look forward to hearing all of your fascinating opinions.

. SF Beer Week

It's Beer Week here in San Francisco, so we took the bus up Haight Street, past the long line of people queued round the block to get into the Toronado, and went to Magnolia instead.

They had "strong beer and cheese pairings." Here is our in-depth report on the situation.

. Superbowl Sunday

. Happy Nif Year

Today is the first day of 'Year of the Tiger', the third sign in the Chinese Zodiac cycle. It is also the sign of my birth year. Hooray! I have another 24 years to wait for my particular Wood cycle, but I still have high expectations. Tigers are able to ward off the three main disasters of a household: fire, thieves and ghosts. And this will come in handy, because there is a ghost in the graduate studios in Tiburon.

Fear me and my awesome earthly branch symbol: 寅.
Happy New Year!

. Naked Trees

My favorite time of year...

. Favourite Beer of the Week

Primator Double Bock is the most alcoholy tasting beer I have ever tasted. At least, I think it's the alcohol I am tasting. It's 10.5% abv for goodness sake.


Its rich and malty and very, very sweet. Hang on, I'm going to ask Nif to try it. Nif doesn't like beer.

Nif says, "It's not bad. It tastes a bit like port."

She's right. That's exactly what it tastes like.

"And Pu-erh tea. It numbs the tongue like pu-erh tea."

I'll take Nif's word on that. I don't like tea.

Bock Beers were orignally brewed in the 15th century by Italian monks who were required to fast during Lent, so they drank this "nutrient-rich" beer instead. I'm drinking it with a sensible snack of celery and humous, and I'm still getting drunk. Those monks must have been off their tits.

. Book of the Month

I have not read many books in the last couple of years. I have listened to a lot of audio books that I borrow from the library and illegally download into my ipod and play in the car on the drive to and from work, up and down highway 280, twice a day, 5 days a week, 360 hours a year.

But listening to an audio book is not the same as reading. When you read a book it's just you and the words. When you listen to a book it's you and the words and someone else telling you how to feel about them before you get a chance to make up your own mind.

So this year I have determined to read more actual books. A book a month. This month's book was "Candide" by Voltaire.

Here is my report:

[spoiler alert!]

Candide is an innocent young man who loses the girl he fancies and spends the rest of the book wandering around the world looking for her. And as he wanders he tries to figure out if it is "the best of all possible worlds," while he (along with pretty much everyone else in the book) is beaten, tortured, raped, robbed, swindled, imprisoned, enslaved, betrayed, and killed.

So it's kind of a black comedy in the guise of a romantic adventure. And lots of satirical jokes are made about religion, philosophy, science, law, war, mathematics, and all the stuff that the author didn't like, including publishers, journalists, the opera, the British, and Jews.

It was written in the 18th century, so half the book is footnotes that explain why the jokes are funny. So they are not.

Next month I will be reading "The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo", the European bestseller by muckraking Swedish journalist Stieg Larsson.

Why don't you read it too? You can tell me what you think. It will be like a Book Club, but no one will have to clean their house and make tea.

. An Apology

I would like to apologize to my lovely wife for posting my previous post right on top of her post about the Kala Open Studios, which is today, and you should go, cos she's brilliant.

Sorry.

. 33 years ago

In 1977 I am 8 years old. What else happens?

Let's take a look.

Star Wars opens and becomes the highest grossing film of all time.

Mull of Kintyre becomes the UK's best selling single of all time.

The Sex Pistols release "Never Mind the Bollocks Here's The Sex Pistols"

Elvis Presley dies.

Apple Computers release the Apple II. It costs $1300, and has 4K of RAM.

The Queen has her silver jubilee.

The USA reinstates the death penalty and executes serial killer Gary Gilmore by firing squad.

Red Rum wins the Grand National for the third time.

Ford launches the Granada.

A 44 pound lobster is caught off Nova Scotia.

Kenny Dalglish becomes Britain's most expensive football player ever.

San Francisco elects Harvey Milk.

The cold war continues.

I am at my Uncle Jeff's farm in Skipwith, North Yorkshire, in little brown shorts and a Micky Mouse t-shirt.